i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Randomize
