I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
