Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
