dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize