oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
