It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
