when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
