thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
