the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Randomize
