I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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