She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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