There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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