just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
