I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
