Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
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