tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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