I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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