What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
