So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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