for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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