The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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