yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
