I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I can text with my tongue
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
