I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
