At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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