oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
