I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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