Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
