her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
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