did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
