so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
