I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
