When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
