Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
