Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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