so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
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