how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
