At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
