How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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