Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
