Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
