If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
