'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
