I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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