So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
