Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize