woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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