well I can't set my house on fire every night
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize