Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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