life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
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