If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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