Just took my morning after pill in the library
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Randomize
