Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
My cat gives me a boner
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Randomize
