I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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