It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
