Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
