i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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