Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
True strength comes from lack of pants
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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