They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
