If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize