I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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