I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
