i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
