In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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