after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Im part way to drunk.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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