I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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